The trick where you imagine that your eyes are at the sharp edges of the pearake teeth as they cut their way through the sand and the shell and the eel grass bottom in search of clams is not working very well this evening because your concentration keeps drifting in and out because it already has been a way too long day in this cold and in this wind. But nine hundred clams is better than eight hundred clams and is ten dollars more at ten cents each at the buyer and you have already tricked yourself into going for the next hundred clams for four days so far this week so when you finally do get the next hundred clams today that will be five days and an additional fifty dollars more onto your pay for the week that you would not have otherwise.

      And you will clam tomorrow of course and if you once again trick yourself into staying for the next hundred then that will be sixty dollars more for the week and taking this further that will be two hundred and forty dollars more for the month and taking this further still that will be three thousand one hundred and twenty dollars more for the year. But you already know to not spend that until you make that, yes, you already know that very well indeed. But these are simply more of the many tricks that you have learned to use to overcome the fatigue and to overcome the loneliness and to overcome the monotony that is so much a part of being a commercial clammer out here alone everyday from spring to summer to fall to winter to spring again. And after all of these years of doing this for a living the days simply blur together into one long blurry day stream of doing this for a living yes they do. And that is about all it amounts to is a living yes it does. But then every day is different with the every day different tide and different wind and different weather until even all those differences become everyday because since everything is different every day then even that becomes everyday within itself as well. But you promised yourself that when the fun and the excitement and the challenge stopped that you would stop doing this kind of fishing and you would go do another kind of fishing. But you do not remember when the fun and the excitement and the challenge stopped, you simply know that they stopped a long time ago but still you have kept doing this kind of fishing because this kind of fishing has become what you do and who you are. So you have kept doing this kind of fishing because another kind of fishing would lose its fun and its' excitement and its' challenge too in time and then you would be doing that kind of fishing because that would be the kind of fishing that you do and who you are. So you may as well keep doing this kind of fishing because after awhile all kinds of fishing come down to simply the fatigue and the loneliness and the monotony of it.

      And even this way of thinking is really one more trick among the many tricks that you use to trick yourself into coming out here everyday to clam one more day and then one more day and then one more day while each day you trick yourself into staying for the next hundred clams and then the next hundred clams until all that it has become is simply a whole bunch of little tricks that you keep playing on yourself until it all has become simply one big trick that you play on yourself all day everyday. Still, this kind of fishing, or any kind of fishing really, sure beats the hell out of a hill job any hill job until there is no comparison because you have done the hill job thing yes hell you have and you sure as hell don't want to do the hill job thing again no hell you don't. And you have to make a living doing something even if it is only just a living. And this is how you have picked to make your living even though it is only just a living. Because a family is expensive. Because Christina is expensive because women are that, expensive. Because the maintenance of a wood shrimp boat comes with a woman and Christina proves that point. Just as the maintenance of a wood shrimp boat comes with kids and Brad and C.J. proves that point. So you have to make a living at something even if it is only just a living because the maintenance of a wood shrimp boat comes with just living yes hell it does. But the trick where you imagine that your eyes are at the sharp edges of the pearake as they cut their way through the sand and the shell and the eel grass bottom in search of clams is definitely not working any longer any more this evening because by now your concentration is definitely shot and gone because of this way too long day out here in this cold and in this wind.

      But now you look up and see that your skiff is loose and is going with the wind across Pamplico Sound. No! But how can this be?! Because there is the rod that you use for a stake still jammed in the shelly grassy bottom. But now you see that it is leaned far over. So the two half hitches of the bowline simply slid along the rod until they slid off when the rod was leaned that far over. But how can this be?! Now you realize how strong and getting stronger this northeast wind has become. Strong enough for the pull of your skiff in this strong wind to lean the rod far over. But when did this start while you were concentrating so on your various tricks?! Now you realize that the incoming tide that just was knee deep is now almost waist deep and is rising still. And that the water surface is quickly going from blown chops to bulky swells. But how can this be?! Now you realize that there is no way in hell that you can wade run fast enough to catch your skiff. Because this strong northeast wind already has it scudding along and heading into the open Pamplico Sound with nothing to stop it until it beaches itself on the mainland shore five miles away way across yonder. No! But how can this be?!

      Now you see another pearaker in the evening dimness that is now well on its way to becoming night darkness, there way up from you with Ocracoke Inlet much farther still. But with the distance he and his skiff are only separate small silhouettes, here behind remote Portsmouth Island that is so barrien that you can far away hear the surf pound over on the ocean side. Then you see his silhouette blur with the silhouette of his skiff. Then you see his silhouette atop the silhouette of his skiff. Now at the stern you see him quickly lean down and then suddenly rare back as he gives his outboard pullcord a sharp pull. Now you see the combined still small silhouette of him atop his skiff begin to race the wind over and along the choppy bulky swells and then out into the open Pamplico Sound. But he does not know that your skiff is loose and is racing the wind ahead of him also. But he does not even know that you have been clamming way down from him. No! But how can this be?!

      Now you realize too late that this northeaster had been building itself all along to the deep ocean of the beachside of Portsmouth Island during the most of the day ebb tide. But by mid-afternoon when the tide turned to flood tide it came ahead and it surged itself to inshore to here together with this hard blowing gale. Now you look and see that the shore of the backside of Portsmouth Island is three hundred yards away. No! Because the water is already above your waist and rising still. Because there is no way in hell that you can wade to that backside shore in these waders and with all these heavy clothes on and against such blowing swells with the water already this deep. No! But how can this be?!

      Because now you realize that you are drowned! Because now you realize that you are crabbait! Because you let yourself get distracted by your various daily tricks of another hundred clams another hundred clams. Because you let yourself get distracted by the fatigue and the monotony and the loneliness that is in this fishery that is in all fisheries. Because you forgot the seriousness of what it is that you do for a living even though it is only just a living. But mainly it is because you forgot the seriousness of where it is that you make this living that is only just a living. Because you have long known that the sea quickly kills those who forget those who forget even briefly. So now she has killed you.

      But then this was only a terrible dream of several seconds in the way late of a restless night. Or was it a prediction of the future?

Mark Raney